


deadwater

by je000nghan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Porn, Light Angst, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Porn with Feelings, Smut, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 05:47:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17298929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/je000nghan/pseuds/je000nghan
Summary: jeonghan is a monogamist who breaks his principle to stay with the love of his life... plus another.excerpt:he’s enjoying it, this voyeurism: a show of his two lovers exchanging in lust.





	deadwater

**Author's Note:**

> first-person narrative.
> 
> this has been sitting on my drafts for months, battling if i should change the narrative — but writing about three men constantly interacting with each other in third-person confused me. please bare with it, it’s my first time to try using “i”, “me”, “mine”, and “my” beyond dialogues.
> 
> also, this is jeonghan’s pov. enjoy!

his breath tastes like victory, warm and sweet, and i: the loser. he hovers over me; he awaits for my response, and so i give. i press my lips back unto his, and then i devour the champion.

i hit my head against the headboard and i wish to hit myself a thousand times, blood dripping down the posterior of my skull and i arrive at my death.

(but i won’t allow it, not until the last lips pressed unto mine belong to the love of my life.)

he lies on my side, my love, pleasuring himself at the sight of me and his new lover, kissing hot breaths. so i try myself not to emit any regret. i just want my baby happy.

and to keep him, i adjust.

i am a monogamist. or so i thought i was. perhaps, i still am. my mother and my father were never less of the best example of the purest of love; my sister admires them, and she also admires me.

i hope she still will.

she’ll know this soon if we continue.

“i have always been curious,” seungcheol breaks the kiss, he’s panting. i can feel his chest dipping in rhythms above mine. “you look good, smell good, taste good.”

i can tell that he likes me, making the situation easy. i just need to like him, too. i kiss him again as a reply. if i want to keep joshua, i should try.

i let my hands travel down seungcheol’s sides; his thin shirt brushing smooth against my palms, heated. he squirms above me as i insert my fingers inside the hem of his shirt, letting them slide over his skin as i remove it. seungcheol must have felt the cold that has travelled down my fingertips, it feels utterly electric. i thumb his nipples that have hardened, my hold tight over his ribs. joshua knows me too much, i hope he doesn’t catch me nervous.

seungcheol presses down unto my crotch and i can feel his length growing hard above me; he’s making it known, sliding down minimally so our bulges meet. but i can’t get myself hard, not when my heart refuses to have him.

“if you keep on grinding him like that, i might get jealous,” joshua jokes, palming himself with his eyes darted on seungcheol’s hips. he’s enjoying it, this voyeurism: a show of his two lovers exchanging in lust. playfully, he pushes seungcheol aside with the intention of taking over his position, but i was quicker.

i turn us around, joshua underneath me, and i kiss him hungrily. i would lose my breath had i not inhaled his taste like oxygen. i feel like i haven’t kissed him for a lifetime and i am desperate to live for another.

i love him.

i travel down from his jaw down his neck, nibbling on the parts i know are sensitive. he likes it when my kisses are extra wet, my bite light and ticklish; he likes it when i’m gentle and eager, he likes it when i contrast myself like how i contrast my principle with now. 

(but because i love him, i fight myself.)

i leave light imprints of blood that rise on the surface of his onion-thin skin, i plan to mark him with traces of me until i reach his clavicle and down his intimates before i leave my warmth inside him. my heart pounds thinking he’s allowing me to do it, like he always does. perhaps, it is true that his love hasn’t changed.

it’s just that he learned to love another more.

i feel joshua’s arm stretch out, and by its movements i can tell he’s attending to seungcheol. i confirm this with the sound of metal clumsily hitting our bed frame made up of the same material. it must have been seungcheol’s belt. i try not to listen to the sounds of his jeans shuffling down and off his ankles. i should focus only on the man beneath me.

joshua was naked to begin with, i had asked him to prepare himself in the shower, knowing full well seungcheol would be the one to help him with it — i walked in on them kissing.

i had known about seungcheol since months ago. i know from the way joshua stutters when he responds to me telling him i love him and him alone. i give him assurance without him asking and his nights turn more peaceful with it, but the favor has turned sour; it became pressure to joshua, and it became a cry for me. i don’t know when it started to become a plea, but the last time i said it, i was crying, asking him to do the same for me.

but he told me he couldn’t, that he was in love with someone else;

and then he told me loves me still and that nothing changed.

because i love him, i believed in him.

it’s a haze and i can’t tell what spirit bounded me firm when none of us broke up with each other. i remember standing on quicksand, sinking down with my hands around joshua while he told me about seungcheol, and that i’d like him if i met him. my spirit was vacuumed down to hell’s core while joshua flew to the heavens — because i told him ‘okay’ (and my heaven knows i’m not).

seungcheol would often visit then; and when he did, he would always tell me he sees how joshua is in love with me; he would always tell me i was not hard to love for himself, too.

so i tried to love him,

that is for why i am here.

joshua loves me so he knows when i’m not comfortable, when i’m not fine; and he respects me, he would never be so intimate with seungcheol when i’m around. but i came home earlier than usual tonight.

i had heard their voices from our bedroom then, exchanging sweet  _ i love you’s _ and how they plan to show it before i arrive. my heart had gone ablazed, i had felt myself so little inside my body, so tight by my chest. i must have lost my mind when i pushed the door open, hand trembling and sweaty around its knob.

joshua called out my name, his voice a relief masked under fake penitence — and i hate how i know it.

i take in the view before me: my lover and his lover entangled in their arms.

i stare like i’m drinking deadwater, poisoning myself without a reason better than i want to  _ accept. _

because i love him;

and he loves us;

and seungcheol could love me if i let him.

i remember my eyes straining as i tunnel my vision to joshua who had started walking to my direction; i remember him smiling, the only clear thing made vivid by the blue and red phosphenes around him. we don’t speak as he pulled me close to him and seungcheol on the bed, kissing me until he’s kissing both seungcheol and i, until i’m kissing seungcheol alone.

that’s where i told him to prepare himself and it hurt me to see seungcheol follow him suit, nevermind that i had expected for him to do it. and thinking about it makes me mad with greed, i feel that i want to avenge myself for letting joshua slip away from my fingers.

though i am furious, i do not feel the slightest of anger at joshua.

i slide my hands down joshua’s derriere, groping it gently before sliding a finger down his hole: warm, wet, and properly open. seungcheol had taken care of him well, i could forgive him.

i delight in the sound of joshua’s whispered moans as i massage his insides, pressing fingers against his prostate in a rhythm i hope seungcheol hasn’t figured — at least it could be something only of joshua and me.

i have joshua memorized inside and out;

it is against my grounds to share him, but i have to.

i take pride in the way joshua fucks himself on my fingers alone, his cock straight and hard above my chest, head spreading pre-cum over my shirt. i want him to come. i want him to finish with this alone. i want us to stop. i want seungcheol to never get a feel of this.

but joshua sits up, taking my hand off of him.

“what’s wrong?” i ask, my face showing offense. i am hurt. i cannot deny this. “did i hurt you?”

joshua presses a kiss unto me, and i try to let it linger only to catch myself chasing after his lips that had already gone to face his other lover. though he claims his love the same, his attention had divided and my heart will continue to break.

“babe,” joshua calls me, hand motioning for me to scoot and i oblige. seungcheol takes over my space in the middle of our bed ( _ our;  _ mine and joshua’s bed, in my and joshua’s bedroom). he positions himself in all fours, head dipping down to the tip of seungcheol’s length.

i feel like an outsider.

i am fully dressed.

i am watching my love give his love a head.

i stand stupid beside the bed.

seungcheol looks at me.

“what are you doing?” he asks, hooded eyes indicating the best pleasure. (i know because i used to be the only one receiving it, before seungcheol took part in our lives leaving me standing ignored in the bedroom.) “come over.”

i wanted to refuse and i would have, had joshua not spared me a look, watered eyes inviting. i knock my own thoughts as i catch myself wishing the water were tears because he’s regretting.

i undress.

seungcheol inhales with sound, whissing as joshua takes him deep. i wonder if joshua finds his noises more appealing compared to mine. i am forced to listen to seungcheol praising ‘my baby’ for doing good (he calls him his, he dares because joshua loves him), as i shuffle behind  _ my _ baby (joshua is mine, joshua could have only been mine without seungcheol), positioning myself to entry.

i intended not to wear protection, i intend to enter him raw.

i could feel joshua stop beneath me, his head dropping back and on my shoulder. he lets me kiss him by the temple and nibble on his ear as i begin drilling behind him, slow and hard just the way he likes it.

i increase my thrusts with confidence, seeing how joshua had abandoned seungcheol’s length, the latter watching us fuck before him with his hand around his own cock. i get to feel involved.

but seungcheol doesn’t stay alone for long because joshua had taken my hand to touched the underside of the former. i feel fine.

i feel fine because i feel in control. 

if it is me who will be taking over seungcheol, joshua’s hands off of the latter — i’m fine.

i stop thrusting as i wait for joshua to help seungcheol lie down, legs raised with his knees bent toward his chest. i can only resist joshua so much with my hand laced with one of his, but his mouth had gone back to seungcheol and i’m jealous.

“he’ll make you feel good,” joshua tells seungcheol, reaching out a hand underneath himself to grab what lube had leaked on the insides of his thighs and spreading them on my free hand. “won’t you, babe?”

i tell him ‘yes,’ and i say it directly to joshua. besides, i’m doing this for him and i alone — or so i believe i am.

joshua presses back unto me, initiating our movement once again and i meet him with my thrusts. i try to give him most of my attention while i set my mind to take over seungcheol, teasing the latter’s ridges before entering a finger in his hole.

the pain on his face is refreshing, but i am not a bad person. (to hurt him would hurt joshua, and i would never forgive myself if i did.)

joshua and i worked like a team: him choking down with hollowed cheeks on seungcheol’s length while i introduced more fingers inside the latter. we both receive praises from seungcheol. it makes me feel conflicted.

i take my gaze away from seungcheol’s hole: beautiful, clean; blushing and plump, taking me in obediently. i cannot lose my priority, so i increase the speed of my hips. i have to have them finish before me so i can stop dignified, as selfish as it may seem; i don’t know when i started doing this for myself, but it sounds like a better plan.

(i would rather conquer than escape. i hope joshua forgives me if he figures.)

joshua’s voice vibrates around seungcheol’s member as i bite against his shoulder, sucking on his petal of a skin. i find it invigorating, hearing him moaning because of me. i do it again and again until his moans become louder and they mix with the sound of my grunts — i need more of this because i share this with seungcheol whilst i ignore his whisses. i don’t need to know how good joshua has been taking him in, i just need to know for myself that i’m stimulating him under the drive of my self-worth.

later, i feel conquest. seungcheol has clenched tight around my fingers as i brushed his prostate repeatedly. i don’t love him and i don’t intend to make him feel so good, but he was a virgin. i smile to myself thinking he lasted quickly, and then i frown as i look at joshua, keeping his mouth in place as he swallows on seungcheol’s discharge.

joshua had allowed seungcheol to mark him inside.

it’s my fault for missing the thought of it happening.

but i’m left with joshua and it’s the two of us again, alone. i have him. i still have him. i have to take care of him.

for every minimal pain that i inflict on joshua’s skin, i kiss to comfort; and the moment i press my lips for the last kiss, i feel him clench around me and it’s never any less pleasant. i must have let my insecurity take over as i smite seungcheol’s hand away to take joshua’s member and tend to him with my own.

i cannot let seungcheol intrude this moment of only joshua and i.

i thrust as i pump him dry, all in perfect pattern. i go in as fast and as deep as my hips could bare, my own hind muscles clenching with every push as i chase my release until i find my mouth dropping open, sighing breaths as i fill him with my heat.

i make sure to stay inside as i empty myself, finding satisfaction at the view of my cum dripping from joshua’s hole — that was my baby. that  _ is _ my baby. he takes me in so well.

my heart almost fluttered on high, but joshua decides seungcheol’s chest was the best place to drop and seek care from.

no.

that was my job.

it’s me who has the responsibility to heed to him.

i sit on the edge of the bed, my back turned from the two. it’s difficult for me to look, but i braved what goes against me. i wanted to see joshua happy.

i tried calling him.

“baby.”

he doesn’t respond.

i feel my throat heavy, my head starts to pound and silently, i choke.

(this must be what it feels like to sink down the ocean, body idle, and tonight was another deadwater i let pollute my esteem that has turned otherwise holy.)

seungcheol mouths that he’s asleep, and i lock my eyes on his arms that secured joshua on a loving hold.

seungcheol loves him, i understand.

i know he must be watching me too, but i nod without meeting his eyes — if i am to leave, i want joshua to be the last person i see.

**Author's Note:**

> that is the end of my contribution to the 95z tag! i hope i did the tag justice. and if you liked that, let me know? i’d really appreciate your kudos & comments! thanks, and until next time!
> 
> also, the stressed student that i am would gratefully take a cup of coffee as a form of support: [here!](https://ko-fi.com/F1F7OQ52) you know, if you ever liked my work that much. i’ll drink it well, i promise. thank you ♡
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/je000nghan) | [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/je000nghan) | [twt filo au acc](https://twitter.com/yoonhong_)


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